[she'd tried her best to survive, but in the end, it hadn't been enough.
and even if it had been - many times, during the fight, she recalls the visits of the others to her archway. if she'd defeated percy, what would have happened next? would they have allowed her to live? any of them? it's been three weeks since the killings started; a month since they'd all arrived in the prism.
maybe she had trusted them to soon. certainly, they wouldn't have trusted her after that. would they continue to believe she had refracted? killed her, to prevent her from killing someone else? she never would have, not ever - even combat had just been a last-ditch attempt to survive, in the hope that she would be facing soemone she knew to be guilty - but would they see it that way?
vax would have chosen percy over her. he did choose percy over her, at the trial, and she knows that's only natural. they're comrades, after all. united by their many long years of friendship. and brothers, too, united by their ties to each other and to vax's sister.
if she had walked out of there, she doesn't think it would be long before she felt the sting of one of vax's many knives at her throat.
and she doesn't think that anyone would have blamed him for it, either.
it hurts. letting people in past the surface had been a difficult process - it's easy to be friendly, but much harder to trust, to really let someone in - and in the end, it's the people you care for the most who have the capacity to hurt you the most.
was it worth it?
she wishes it was. she wanted it to be. she hadn't trusted him lightly, and yet -
as she dies, she's filled with fury. unfair, she thinks through the pain. he wasn't himself. if not for that, he wouldn't have...
but there's that small, nagging doubt at the back of her mind that she can't shake.
wouldn't he? are you sure of that? you trusted your aunt, and she killed your mother. you trusted your cousin, and she killed you. you trusted your friend, and he let you die for his crimes.
was that trust worth that pain?
is there anything she could have done differently? anything at all? are her struggles worth it? will he even be okay, on that side? if she dies, and he's still refracted, what will happen to him?
...they'll save him.
if he can come back to himself... if he can be okay again...
she hates it, and she won't claim there's no resentment at all, that she didn't want to live, that she wouldn't have killed him if she'd overpowered him in that fight - but if percy can regain himself and be safe, then even if she can't shake the horror of her suffering, at least they'll have that.
was it worth it?
...if he'll be alright, it's worth it.
death isn't always the end. she knows that firsthand.]
no subject
and even if it had been - many times, during the fight, she recalls the visits of the others to her archway. if she'd defeated percy, what would have happened next? would they have allowed her to live? any of them? it's been three weeks since the killings started; a month since they'd all arrived in the prism.
maybe she had trusted them to soon. certainly, they wouldn't have trusted her after that. would they continue to believe she had refracted? killed her, to prevent her from killing someone else? she never would have, not ever - even combat had just been a last-ditch attempt to survive, in the hope that she would be facing soemone she knew to be guilty - but would they see it that way?
vax would have chosen percy over her. he did choose percy over her, at the trial, and she knows that's only natural. they're comrades, after all. united by their many long years of friendship. and brothers, too, united by their ties to each other and to vax's sister.
if she had walked out of there, she doesn't think it would be long before she felt the sting of one of vax's many knives at her throat.
and she doesn't think that anyone would have blamed him for it, either.
it hurts. letting people in past the surface had been a difficult process - it's easy to be friendly, but much harder to trust, to really let someone in - and in the end, it's the people you care for the most who have the capacity to hurt you the most.
was it worth it?
she wishes it was. she wanted it to be. she hadn't trusted him lightly, and yet -
as she dies, she's filled with fury. unfair, she thinks through the pain. he wasn't himself. if not for that, he wouldn't have...
but there's that small, nagging doubt at the back of her mind that she can't shake.
wouldn't he? are you sure of that? you trusted your aunt, and she killed your mother. you trusted your cousin, and she killed you. you trusted your friend, and he let you die for his crimes.
was that trust worth that pain?
is there anything she could have done differently? anything at all? are her struggles worth it? will he even be okay, on that side? if she dies, and he's still refracted, what will happen to him?
...they'll save him.
if he can come back to himself... if he can be okay again...
she hates it, and she won't claim there's no resentment at all, that she didn't want to live, that she wouldn't have killed him if she'd overpowered him in that fight - but if percy can regain himself and be safe, then even if she can't shake the horror of her suffering, at least they'll have that.
was it worth it?
...if he'll be alright, it's worth it.
death isn't always the end. she knows that firsthand.]