[shale understands. there's a similar feeling in response, a little concern, but also calm.]
We're pretty good at taking care of people here. I don't blame you guys for being worried, what with everything that's happened since you got here. But we're not going to let anybody get hurt.
he - something flashes across vax's face. acceptance, at first, at least at his own situation he can't imagine that the raven queen wouldn't find a way, or that he wouldn't be able to find a way to bring her purview to this placae, or something,
and then it changes, because he thinks about percy, and he thinks about vex, and his gut twists, and all of it shows on his face. ]
[ he doesn't stand up, but immediately just - runs a hand over the top of his hair, that panic and worry and gutwrenchingly anxious compassion in his jittery movement, in his white knuckles, like he could find a way out. ]
My sister, they're fucking - they're married, I left and she has him, and he promised he'd take care of her. He can't be stuck here. She'll be -
[ some of the wind comes out of his sails as the reality of it just hits. ]
[ it's -- it's worse, somehow. it's not shale's fault. the feeling of growth and decay both like that just set off those same vibes as the comforting ones he'd found when he first came in here. because growth (and decay, really, decay in blight) is keyleth and the pain is suddenly so big it's hard to breathe around, a monster of a reminder of all the things he's lost.
vax shakes his head, hard, jerking back from the table. ]
It can't - like fuck it can be that way! He doesn't - he doesn't even know yet, he doesn't even know what I do, he's got a whole fucking life to live with her when I'm gone. Percival has to go back - I'll stay forever. I'll stay longer. Disintegrate me into fucking dust, again - I don't fucking care, he has to go back.
[ desperation, there, like a caged animal. vax is so ready to throw it all away when he's already thrown it all once - to make that same decision, for vex'ahlia, alone. for vex'ahlia, crying when they touched foreheads one last time, for his entire heart.
what was acceptance has turned rapidly into anything but, and there's a strained quality to his voice on the final word. ] Shale, I'll do anything.
[poor vax. shale sits and lets him do what he needs to do, watching him with a hard to read expression.]
...If it was something I could control, I'd do it without you doing any of that. But you're bargaining with the prism. Might as well bargain with nature, or with death. It doesn't always bargain. Sometimes it just is what it is.
[and sometimes it does let you bargain, but how many chances do you get?]
But you don't have to accept it. Not now, not yet if you're not ready to.
[ sharply, fiercely. that's what he's supposed to be on now, isn't it? the fine line between life and death, the between place, the one who reaps and watches and holds the threads. his own thread to vex, severed like every other in his life, for her to live, until he saw her again when it was over.
shale's answer helps, just a little, if only to solidify that same determination. (and, if it was something i could control, i'd do it without you doing any of that, too. the sincerity is there.)
vax takes a deep breath. ]
I won't. [ quietly, determined, nearly vibrating with it.
he can't accept it, and he won't. ] If you could leave, would you?
Have you? That doesn't happen often. Most people don't get a chance to.
[but they don't seem surprised to know that it's possible. they also don't push back against his determination. his pain is too raw right now. Instead, they think about his question, but not as long as they think about some questions he's asked.]
No. This is my home. I'm happy here, I have purpose.
That's how I ended up here in the first place. [ a sort of wide gesture - maybe not at the prism, but at a much more broad 'here'. ] I did it, and I chose it, and I don't fucking regret it.
[ no matter how much it hurts, even now. but to feel like it was nothing, like it doesn't even matter and that vex has ended up miserable and alone is a torrent of an emotional storm that is almost too much to handle.
and "i have purpose" - doesn't that just hit home, too? the very concept he struggled with his entire life. finding a place of belonging, and eventually, finding his place at the raven queen's side. purpose. ]
She was mine. [ vex. it's only "was'" because he's gone. ] I - I have to find a way to get Percy back to her, no matter what it takes.
[they won't argue with that, not with how he feels, even if they seem a little uneasy.]
All I ask is that... you let things get settled. Let us get everybody safe and comfortable. Use that passion to make this place better than it is first, for the ones who need it, and then we can talk about home.
[ this finally, finally, gets him to settle a little. ]
...
[ vax does like helping people. he's found some of his purpose and his time in that - he's a bleeding heart, someone who cares so much more than he thought he let on. it is passion. but, for so long, and always, vex'ahlia has been above that. that doesn't change, with this. ]
... Alright.
[ he can do that, at least, as he sinks back down into the chair, staring at the plate. ]
...There's not any way to know if she's alright, is there?
[ at least... at least he thinks, with the raven queen, he'll be able to watch over her, somehow. maybe just a raven flying by - but at least he can watch. he can know. this feels worse. ]
....'s okay. [ deflating - the anger and everything seems to loosen, now, or at least internalize, and his shoulders drop away from his ears. ] It's not your fault.
[ for now, vax just has to take it, and take their advice. things are odd. percy doesn't remember half the shit that he does, so maybe - maybe something's off. it might be alright. he has to hold onto that hope for now. maybe some accented ginger wizard is messing with time ]
We can't help being in pain, but we can decide what to do with it. You aren't using that pain to lash out or hurt anybody. You're making sure of that. That's strength.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Can I use it?
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[ amazing ]
Next time you're in a pinch, just shout "jenga!" and I'll come bail you out. Promise.
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[then again. they did send that help message.]
But I will. You seem like the type who can be counted on to come running.
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Got that impression already? [ a little laugh. ] Guess so. Never been good at leaving well enough alone.
[ thus the jenga ]
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[though they are already slightly worried for vax.]
You and your friend getting along with people? I haven't met him yet.
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but, he makes a little noise of agreement, returning to his food. whether that's to getting along or to needing people like that, who's to say.... ]
Well enough. Percy'll come to talk to you, probably. He's the nosy type. [ affectionate ] There are a lot of kids here, though.
[ which, a little of that compassion does bleed through there; a little worry, frowning at his meal. ]
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[shale understands. there's a similar feeling in response, a little concern, but also calm.]
We're pretty good at taking care of people here. I don't blame you guys for being worried, what with everything that's happened since you got here. But we're not going to let anybody get hurt.
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... yeah. [ shale, this is a murdergame ] I'm not gonna let anything happen to 'em if I can help it, either.
[ though... ] They're... the kids. The others. They're not going to be stuck here, are they?
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I value honesty, and my opinion is... there isn't a way back. Once you're here, you're here.
Some of you aren't ready to accept that, and that's okay, too. But that's my opinion on it.
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oof.
he - something flashes across vax's face. acceptance, at first, at least at his own situation he can't imagine that the raven queen wouldn't find a way, or that he wouldn't be able to find a way to bring her purview to this placae, or something,
and then it changes, because he thinks about percy, and he thinks about vex, and his gut twists, and all of it shows on his face. ]
- Shale. Shale, Percival has to go back.
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Talk to me. What happens without Percival?
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[ he doesn't stand up, but immediately just - runs a hand over the top of his hair, that panic and worry and gutwrenchingly anxious compassion in his jittery movement, in his white knuckles, like he could find a way out. ]
My sister, they're fucking - they're married, I left and she has him, and he promised he'd take care of her. He can't be stuck here. She'll be -
[ some of the wind comes out of his sails as the reality of it just hits. ]
She'll be alone.
[ not that. anything but that. ]
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[a stone hand comes down and rests on his shoulder. heavy, feeling cool and like growth and decay all at once.]
It's painful, to imagine your sister that way, and to feel helpless.
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vax shakes his head, hard, jerking back from the table. ]
It can't - like fuck it can be that way! He doesn't - he doesn't even know yet, he doesn't even know what I do, he's got a whole fucking life to live with her when I'm gone. Percival has to go back - I'll stay forever. I'll stay longer. Disintegrate me into fucking dust, again - I don't fucking care, he has to go back.
[ desperation, there, like a caged animal. vax is so ready to throw it all away when he's already thrown it all once - to make that same decision, for vex'ahlia, alone. for vex'ahlia, crying when they touched foreheads one last time, for his entire heart.
what was acceptance has turned rapidly into anything but, and there's a strained quality to his voice on the final word. ] Shale, I'll do anything.
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...If it was something I could control, I'd do it without you doing any of that. But you're bargaining with the prism. Might as well bargain with nature, or with death. It doesn't always bargain. Sometimes it just is what it is.
[and sometimes it does let you bargain, but how many chances do you get?]
But you don't have to accept it. Not now, not yet if you're not ready to.
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[ sharply, fiercely. that's what he's supposed to be on now, isn't it? the fine line between life and death, the between place, the one who reaps and watches and holds the threads. his own thread to vex, severed like every other in his life, for her to live, until he saw her again when it was over.
shale's answer helps, just a little, if only to solidify that same determination. (and, if it was something i could control, i'd do it without you doing any of that, too. the sincerity is there.)
vax takes a deep breath. ]
I won't. [ quietly, determined, nearly vibrating with it.
he can't accept it, and he won't. ] If you could leave, would you?
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[but they don't seem surprised to know that it's possible. they also don't push back against his determination. his pain is too raw right now. Instead, they think about his question, but not as long as they think about some questions he's asked.]
No. This is my home. I'm happy here, I have purpose.
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[ no matter how much it hurts, even now. but to feel like it was nothing, like it doesn't even matter and that vex has ended up miserable and alone is a torrent of an emotional storm that is almost too much to handle.
and "i have purpose" - doesn't that just hit home, too? the very concept he struggled with his entire life. finding a place of belonging, and eventually, finding his place at the raven queen's side. purpose. ]
She was mine. [ vex. it's only "was'" because he's gone. ] I - I have to find a way to get Percy back to her, no matter what it takes.
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[they won't argue with that, not with how he feels, even if they seem a little uneasy.]
All I ask is that... you let things get settled. Let us get everybody safe and comfortable. Use that passion to make this place better than it is first, for the ones who need it, and then we can talk about home.
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...
[ vax does like helping people. he's found some of his purpose and his time in that - he's a bleeding heart, someone who cares so much more than he thought he let on. it is passion. but, for so long, and always, vex'ahlia has been above that. that doesn't change, with this. ]
... Alright.
[ he can do that, at least, as he sinks back down into the chair, staring at the plate. ]
...There's not any way to know if she's alright, is there?
[ at least... at least he thinks, with the raven queen, he'll be able to watch over her, somehow. maybe just a raven flying by - but at least he can watch. he can know. this feels worse. ]
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[they do seem genuinely sorry about it. something in the obscured facial features is sad.]
I think you'll just have to trust her to find a way to be.
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he shifts a little. ]
....'s okay. [ deflating - the anger and everything seems to loosen, now, or at least internalize, and his shoulders drop away from his ears. ] It's not your fault.
[ for now, vax just has to take it, and take their advice. things are odd. percy doesn't remember half the shit that he does, so maybe - maybe something's off. it might be alright. he has to hold onto that hope for now. maybe some accented ginger wizard is messing with time ]
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anyway, are you really going to let a statue tell you what to do? they nod, with a sigh.]
...You're doing well. You're doing the right thing right now.
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anyway he's taken worse advice from equally questionable people ]
Yeah? 'ssat?
[ i wrote a lot of nice feelsy tags up there and now have no more words left so he just sounds like a morose puppy. the verbal equivalent of 8C ]
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[a pat on the shoulder.]
We can't help being in pain, but we can decide what to do with it. You aren't using that pain to lash out or hurt anybody. You're making sure of that. That's strength.
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