Oh, fuck you. Look, I'm only saying it because I'd say the same damn thing.
[ vax shifts where he's sitting, turning over and prodding at the blanket lump. you have depression? i have depression! what a coincidence! ] I even said the same damn thing yesterday and Shale gave me shit over it. I hurt my own sister doing something like that, once, because some fuck Charmed me into it.
[ he's not really heated, or angry, or anything - just understanding. exasperated, maybe, but only because he's exasperated with himself, too. ] You can't carry that with you. Okay? Maybe you carry it now, maybe you carry it for the next month, but you gotta put it down, eventually.
...Damien's not going to listen to any kind of apology, either, because he sucks. [ affectionate ] So, there's no one to get closure with but you.
[there's a lingering sort of silence. vax prods the lump and it bends a little like it wants to scoot out of the way. they listen though, thinking about it before promptly turning this around on vax.]
were you able to get closure back then? is ur sister ok now?
a huff. he's not an idiot, because... well, they're same hat about this too. vax will acquiesce this. you may have your moment. ]
...She's fine. Yeah. [ thankfully. his sister, his whole heart. ] She beat the absolute fuck out of me when I was still under it, and kept going even when I wasn't because she thought I was still gone. Figures.
[ pulling his hand back, he reaches to rub his own cheek, at the old memory. vex punches hurt, man. it gives him a moment of quiet to consider the second part. ]
...I think so, yeah. She wouldn't let me wallow in it, even when I wanted to. Can't say I look back on it like it's a pleasant memory. Can't say I don't wish I had been strong enough just to fucking snap out of it. But... it wasn't me who wanted to kill her, it was a vampire fuck with a cult problem.
Forward and backwards process, though. Sometimes I have good days. Sometimes they're shite and I still think about it. So.
[thank you for their moment. they consider this and the blanket lump moves again, but they still don't come out just yet. more texting.]
i feel like sometimes u need ppl like that ones wholl yell at u and fight u when ur being stupid even if its not really ur fault but that doesnt change wanting to do stuff urself i get it sometimes ur fine being the way u are sometimes u think about how u could be different sometimes u dont mind how things go and sometimes u wish u could change how they went like that?
[ he's quiet for a long time once he finishes reading the message, just sort of letting the typed words lay. and then, eventually, he leans back, tilting his head against the bed to try and get a look at the lump. vax's voice is a little rough, gentle, but no less soft. ]
... You need someone to yell at you and fight you for it, I can do that.
[ because vax really, really does get it. it's a heavy feeling - guilt and loss and grief and anger. self loathing, that feels like trapped in armor that's a size too small. the offer is a genuine one, because it reminds him so much of himself - and maybe even worse, it reminds him of kynan, and he can't let riff spiral off alone, if he can help it. ]
[the lump is incredibly stubborn and also still relatively freaked out so blankettown it is. still, vax can see the soft kind of glow both from their phone and from their eyes under the blankets.]
dunno if thats what i need idk what i need im still figuring it out ig the other three help when i need it but now things are affecting them too it just sucks
[the offer is there and they do at least consider it, but they're still overthinking.]
[ he will give up peeking, though he does just prop his chin on the mattress. ]
It's not gonna stop sucking. And the other three aren't going anywhere, but neither are we, apparently.
[ so there. at least for vax, it's not really a big deal to be stuck here for now. ] Might as well weather through how hard it all sucks, together. Whatever that is for you - even if it's just sitting around.
[congrats on your one (1) riff, vax! there's a somewhat sleepy blink but they don't look like they're going to disappear into the blankets again. they do send another text though, except this one plays as audio.]
u mean besides never leave my room again? i guess im still deciding
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i didnt go in there wanting to kill him
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[ oof. he scooches a little bit closer to the blanket lump. ] Same thing happened to me.
...It's not your fault. You know that, yeah?
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those were all me
[reasonably, yes, they understand it's not their fault. simultaneously though it still very much feels like their own decision.]
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[ vax shifts where he's sitting, turning over and prodding at the blanket lump. you have depression? i have depression! what a coincidence! ] I even said the same damn thing yesterday and Shale gave me shit over it. I hurt my own sister doing something like that, once, because some fuck Charmed me into it.
[ he's not really heated, or angry, or anything - just understanding. exasperated, maybe, but only because he's exasperated with himself, too. ] You can't carry that with you. Okay? Maybe you carry it now, maybe you carry it for the next month, but you gotta put it down, eventually.
...Damien's not going to listen to any kind of apology, either, because he sucks. [ affectionate ] So, there's no one to get closure with but you.
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were you able to get closure back then?
is ur sister ok now?
[this is safer for now. give them a bit.]
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a huff. he's not an idiot, because... well, they're same hat about this too. vax will acquiesce this. you may have your moment. ]
...She's fine. Yeah. [ thankfully. his sister, his whole heart. ] She beat the absolute fuck out of me when I was still under it, and kept going even when I wasn't because she thought I was still gone. Figures.
[ pulling his hand back, he reaches to rub his own cheek, at the old memory. vex punches hurt, man. it gives him a moment of quiet to consider the second part. ]
...I think so, yeah. She wouldn't let me wallow in it, even when I wanted to. Can't say I look back on it like it's a pleasant memory. Can't say I don't wish I had been strong enough just to fucking snap out of it. But... it wasn't me who wanted to kill her, it was a vampire fuck with a cult problem.
Forward and backwards process, though. Sometimes I have good days. Sometimes they're shite and I still think about it. So.
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i feel like sometimes u need ppl like that
ones wholl yell at u and fight u when ur being stupid
even if its not really ur fault
but that doesnt change wanting to do stuff urself
i get it
sometimes ur fine being the way u are
sometimes u think about how u could be different
sometimes u dont mind how things go
and sometimes u wish u could change how they went
like that?
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[ he's quiet for a long time once he finishes reading the message, just sort of letting the typed words lay. and then, eventually, he leans back, tilting his head against the bed to try and get a look at the lump. vax's voice is a little rough, gentle, but no less soft. ]
... You need someone to yell at you and fight you for it, I can do that.
[ because vax really, really does get it. it's a heavy feeling - guilt and loss and grief and anger. self loathing, that feels like trapped in armor that's a size too small. the offer is a genuine one, because it reminds him so much of himself - and maybe even worse, it reminds him of kynan, and he can't let riff spiral off alone, if he can help it. ]
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dunno if thats what i need
idk what i need
im still figuring it out ig
the other three help when i need it
but now things are affecting them too
it just sucks
[the offer is there and they do at least consider it, but they're still overthinking.]
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[ he will give up peeking, though he does just prop his chin on the mattress. ]
It's not gonna stop sucking. And the other three aren't going anywhere, but neither are we, apparently.
[ so there. at least for vax, it's not really a big deal to be stuck here for now. ] Might as well weather through how hard it all sucks, together. Whatever that is for you - even if it's just sitting around.
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depending on what it is
sometimes ill spend time with the others
or ill stay here and find something to do
i dont really have a set way to do things
[depends on how they're feeling.]
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he's got a little bit of a smile for them. hi, riff. ]
Well. What d'you wanna do now?
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u mean besides never leave my room again?
i guess im still deciding
[it's. sort of a joke.]
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Find something to do in here? You could show me what the fuck that thing is. [ with a sort of wide gesture in the direction of the computer. ]
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most people seem confused about it when they come here
but theyre good for lots of stuff