[this time when he steps through the archway he might notice a few changes almost immediately. there's the clock on the wall by the door, but there's now a second clock on the wall by the bathroom. both of them appear to be set to different times. the blankets on the bed are piled high and messy into a person-shaped sort of cavern. there are a few snack wrappers scattered on the counter like someone was eating and just didn't get around to throwing out the garbage, and the one whiteboard now reads: Never think of it as a thought. Think of it as freedom of expression.
also there's now a blue electric guitar propped against the wall by the desk. it has clearly never been touched.
besides all that, riff is on their couch, back against the arm of it and legs pulled to their chest as they seem to be staring intently at their phone. vax is sneaky-sneak, so they likely don't realize he's there.]
[ the benefit of being sneaky is that you can just sort of sneak in and read the room before anything happens, so. vax takes a long moment before he comes in to just look at the whiteboard, and winces, a little internally.
it's not the first time something like this has happened, though, so. for the moment he just watches, looking at the guitar, looking at the back of riff's whatever form they're in at the moment.
...
and then eventually stays near the place where he entered, and lifts a fist to knock quietly on the wall for a lack of a normal door, to announce his presence instead of just sneaking up on them again. ]
[they hear the knock, and it means they slowly peer over the back of the couch to stare at vax. their eyes are still a weird, eerie yellow and somehow their face is even more shadowed but they blink at him before tilting their head.
[ he just kind of. stares for a second, making this icon face. mostly because he is, truly, very awkward when it comes to this kind of thing and definitely did not think this through at all. years of growth have not made his varying pep talks any less stilted, nor have they fixed his "i look like im brooding but im just thinking sweatily" face. oops.
[you know what. vax is valid because it's not like riff is any less awkward, though they do sort of look a little uncertain as they wave. they don't "speak" yet, if only because they're trying to figure out what vax is doing here.
they don't seem mad at least! just a little closed off.]
[well. that's probably because they are, but they would rather die than actually say so. so it's another text.]
whats done is done so we just have to try to move on im not mad and i dont think the others are either but maybe just...dont include us next time ok? u guys can ask us stuff but we cant promise answers either
[ he knows!!! HE KNOWS BC HE'S THE SAME!!!! MARINES!!!!
he just kind of stays there for a second, looking at the text - and then exhales, loudly, and scrubs a hand over his face. ]
...yeah.
[ ...
after a pause, he moves to sit on the other side of the couch, against the back of it, sliding down and facing the other direction, looking at the wall across. ]
...Y'know, I had a kid ask to be under my wing once, and I fucked it up, really, really bad. Instead of just telling him no, I - did something else. Thought I was teaching him a lesson and I ended up just making things a lot worse. We left Emon right afterwards, and I tried to track him down - but he was already gone. Said he was going to get stronger to his folks, apparently, and lost track of him.
...I kept trying to find him, and couldn't, and then - when I finally did, he'd found himself in deep shit, deeper than he really - I think than he really even knew.
I kept thinking - like, "Maybe if I hadn't been such a huge dick, he wouldn't have had it that rough." And - that's true, I know it is. He went through all that shit because I tore him down thinking it was some kind of bullshit lesson.
[ one of the greatest regrets of vax's life, even now, is allowing kynan to get into the situation he was into with ripley. the haunted, miserable look in his eyes when he finally, finally agreed to come with them - the guilt, the trauma written all over his face - still lives in his regrets even now. it's been ages, but he watched the way that changed him.
the entire time he's told this story it's been low, quiet, and it finishes that way, too. ]
... And I know he didn't leave because he was angry with me, either. Felt like I could never apologize enough to him, even if he said it was okay.
[ ... ]
... So, yeah. We won't. Good intentions don't really mean shit when you act like that about them. ...I know.
[well this is a lot to take in. they aren't entirely sure what to say to that, but they don't want to just blow it off either because it's obviously important to vax. it takes them some time, weighing their words carefully before they type out a reply.]
...how do u fix something like that? things like that are never really one persons fault are they?
[which is to say this was a group effort, so maybe that was, too.]
...Maybe not. [ it's a little wry - a callback to their conversation on sunday. maybe he doesn't have to say it - that even if it was a group effort, vax'ildan certainly blamed himself.
but, he considers the question for a moment, leaning back with his head tilted against the couch. ]
I dunno how to fix it. [ honestly. ] Time, maybe. Time helps. It helped Kynan. He needed to heal.
...And trying to be better. I tried to be there for him when I wasn't before. Sometimes trying's the best you've got.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
w1, TUESDAY
also there's now a blue electric guitar propped against the wall by the desk. it has clearly never been touched.
besides all that, riff is on their couch, back against the arm of it and legs pulled to their chest as they seem to be staring intently at their phone. vax is sneaky-sneak, so they likely don't realize he's there.]
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it's not the first time something like this has happened, though, so. for the moment he just watches, looking at the guitar, looking at the back of riff's whatever form they're in at the moment.
...
and then eventually stays near the place where he entered, and lifts a fist to knock quietly on the wall for a lack of a normal door, to announce his presence instead of just sneaking up on them again. ]
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hi vax?]
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there's
a pause.
and then he clears his throat. ]
... Riff. Hey.
[ nice. ]
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they don't seem mad at least! just a little closed off.]
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... eventually, he just reaches up, and rubs the back of his neck, making an "agh" noise. ]
I - [ urgh. ] ... About earlier. You were right.
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its ok vax
im not mad
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[ he'd rather you be mad throw your phone at him or something he deserves it!!! ]
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whats done is done
so we just have to try to move on
im not mad
and i dont think the others are either
but maybe just...dont include us next time
ok?
u guys can ask us stuff but we cant promise answers either
no subject
he just kind of stays there for a second, looking at the text - and then exhales, loudly, and scrubs a hand over his face. ]
...yeah.
[ ...
after a pause, he moves to sit on the other side of the couch, against the back of it, sliding down and facing the other direction, looking at the wall across. ]
...Y'know, I had a kid ask to be under my wing once, and I fucked it up, really, really bad. Instead of just telling him no, I - did something else. Thought I was teaching him a lesson and I ended up just making things a lot worse. We left Emon right afterwards, and I tried to track him down - but he was already gone. Said he was going to get stronger to his folks, apparently, and lost track of him.
...I kept trying to find him, and couldn't, and then - when I finally did, he'd found himself in deep shit, deeper than he really - I think than he really even knew.
I kept thinking - like, "Maybe if I hadn't been such a huge dick, he wouldn't have had it that rough." And - that's true, I know it is. He went through all that shit because I tore him down thinking it was some kind of bullshit lesson.
[ one of the greatest regrets of vax's life, even now, is allowing kynan to get into the situation he was into with ripley. the haunted, miserable look in his eyes when he finally, finally agreed to come with them - the guilt, the trauma written all over his face - still lives in his regrets even now. it's been ages, but he watched the way that changed him.
the entire time he's told this story it's been low, quiet, and it finishes that way, too. ]
... And I know he didn't leave because he was angry with me, either. Felt like I could never apologize enough to him, even if he said it was okay.
[ ... ]
... So, yeah. We won't. Good intentions don't really mean shit when you act like that about them. ...I know.
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...how do u fix something like that?
things like that are never really one persons fault
are they?
[which is to say this was a group effort, so maybe that was, too.]
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...Maybe not. [ it's a little wry - a callback to their conversation on sunday. maybe he doesn't have to say it - that even if it was a group effort, vax'ildan certainly blamed himself.
but, he considers the question for a moment, leaning back with his head tilted against the couch. ]
I dunno how to fix it. [ honestly. ] Time, maybe. Time helps. It helped Kynan. He needed to heal.
...And trying to be better. I tried to be there for him when I wasn't before. Sometimes trying's the best you've got.
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as long as u try
that has to count for something
time and maybe patience
if the time is a long time
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... ]
Yeah. [ patience. time. ] And that's no guarantee you're going to never fuck something like it up again, either.
[ considering. here they are.
softer: ] ...'m sorry, Riff.
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i think people do that a lot
whether they mean to or not
so it makes a difference if they try to fix it
...its ok
u guys did what u thought made sense