he gives them a little sup nod! vax is here, propped up against the pillows, with his hood tugged over his head. he's at least gotten out of the deathwalkers ward this time. ]
...hey, Shale.
[ and then just: ] What the fuck.
[ vax has many what the fuck's for many situations, but this one just sounds tired. a general "what the fuck" at the past 10 hours. 24 hours. week? who knows. ]
[oh. that one is harder, and they have to think. approaching, calm despite their obvious unease.]
These problems started when you showed up, so I have to think it's related to that. But cause and effect is a little besides the point. This isn't your fault.
[ he's not directly blaming himself for it this time, but, shale's right, in that it's hard to avoid the guilt of it. even if it's just a little shred.
he's quiet for a little longer after that, idly toying with the raven skull pendant he'd found earlier in the week. maybe that feels too big to address, right now. too close. ]
...'s the biggest question I've got for you, I guess. [ vax glances up now, finally. ] ...What happens now?
he huffs a little laugh, ducking his head. ] 's good. We'd be proper fucked if you did.
[ their npcs...
the question of kazuma is a harder one, though. vax glances over at them. ] ... I don't know, either. I think... no matter what happens, no one's gonna be harder on him than he is. You know? Even that he picked execution - 's a whole other thing, but I thought he was going to do it right there, to himself. Don't think I was the only one, either.
[ it's just a reminder of the echoing bang of that gunshot, from his little trip - one that vax'ildan has not told percy, an illusion he'll hold tight to his chest. guilt and all the things that come with it are a heavy mantle, when something takes your hand and forces it in a way you'd never move. ] Don't know what we can do.
Fucking sucks, doesn't it? Feeling powerless like that. I can't even imagine how he feels.
He might have tried. That kind of guilt and pain is hard to bear. Hurting yourself isn't the right way, but it doesn't seem like my place to criticize a condemned man for how he manages.
[ do you ever write a tag at ass o clock and reread it like what the fuck i meant to say can imagine ?? hello ???
it's fine though - shale's right. ]
... Never killed someone else when I was under someone else's control. Hurt someone. Several someones. [ vex, the worst of it. ] And been knocked around by my friends in the same situation, too.
[ but that never stopped the guilt of it, did it? whether they lived or not, knowing you caused every injury, even if you weren't yourself. it's the guilt he knows percy lives with too, that all of them do in one way or another. ]
...Iunno. I don't fault him for it, either. Couldn't.
[ he shifts a little, curling his fingers around the pendant in his hand again. ]
Just feels - like a couple of threads cut when they shouldn't have been.
I'm not big on assigning blame, anyway. I don't see what's useful about it. Ryunosuke is dead, and we have to find a way to live with that.
A lot of you are struggling because there's no satisfaction in these answers, only more pain, pain some of you can relate to. But even if someone had killed him out of simply cruelty, there would still only be pain.
[ vax folds his hands, quiet. he seems to be weighing these words over very carefully. ]
...think there's never really any satisfaction in questions of death. 's what she would say, too.
[ again, running that raven pendant between his knuckles, like it's a coin. ] It just is. I think we can't consider the what ifs, or the could haves of what happened, and... just figure it out. [ the bigger picture, anyway. this is the maturity of a vax'ildan at the end of his life, shining through.
... admittedly, ] ... Do wish I could've done rites or something for the kid. [ ryunosuke. and. honestly, for kazuma, too - with what is coming, predicted by the ominous words of execution. ] Feels - the whole thing feels incomplete.
... Least bury the body properly. It's not right just to leave it, or have it vanish - not that I think you guys have any choice, or any say, or anything, but, still. Everyone deserves death with a little dignity. Bout the only fucking thing I know how to do with any dignity, anyway.
[ and ryunosuke definitely deserves some dignity, the poor guy. vax chews the inside of his cheek, thinking. ] I guess I'd say a prayer to the Raven Queen, too, even if she can't hear me. Wish his soul luck and safe passage in its journey to wherever it might go. Can't guide it myself, but can maybe at least provide some signposts, you know?
Is that how they do it, where you're from? [they nod along with this, chin in their hand, thinking.] Burial in the ground, that's one way it's done. Cremation is popular, too. But there are even rites based on leaving bodies out in the open, becoming carrion.
All of it sort of comes down to one thing, which is returning the physical back to nature, where it came from. A reminder that the bodies we have were always part of nature, and always will be. I don't think what happened to Kazuma is so different, when you think about it. Burying him in the ground would just be...some echo of a ritual that doesn't really apply here.
[they're thoughtful about what they're saying, their expression concerned. when they really stop to think, the angles of their stone face are a little sharper, gaunt and androgynous, but surprisingly young.]
The prayer, safe passage - now, that's nice. That might mean something to your goddess, I can't say. But the rest of it, the rites... I think they're really more meant as a way for people to say goodbye, don't you? People need that.
[ he listens! quietly, attentively, nodding along. those things are the same in his world, too. hell, he's seen it - he's been there for pyres in any number of cities, after any numbers of wars. whitestone. emon. westruun.
people die everywhere. it's why shale's words are comforting to him, really - the idea of bringing them back to nature soothes something in him, the perfect combination between the year he spent with the ashari, with keyleth, and the person - champion - he's come to be. this is why he sought them out, why he's continued seeking them out, because they just.. they get it, in a way that vax should get it, wants to get it, and sometimes it feels like shale puts the words down in a path for him to follow when it feels like he's lost his way.
death is not something to be pitied or mourned, it simply is. it's a lesson vax is maybe still learning - paladin of the raven queen and all. maybe it's a lesson he'd understood before being thrown back into a place where interacting with others was the norm, again, and now their lives were on the line once more. little threads of fate that feel so tangled by this prism. little threads of fate he wishes he could see.
as he's considering that, the request surprises him. vax cocks his head - his voice is soft, genuine. ] ...course, Shale. What is it?
This next week, I want you to try to talk to people about them. Ryunosuke and Kazuma. It might seem awkward to bring it up, or even like you're imposing. But it doesn't have to be a big thing. Just their name in a conversation, a story you remember. Asking somebody what they remember about them.
I think that would be a good way to give them a funeral rite.
[ ...he did't know kazuma very well, so - the others can maybe tell some stories, too. it's... a little different, but it's nice, too. an important task. ] Yeah - yeah. Sure.
[they nod, something like a smile across their face.]
I think that will help, you know? People find it easy to tell you when they don't want to talk, but sometimes they need a little permission to start when they do.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Hey, Vax.
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he gives them a little sup nod! vax is here, propped up against the pillows, with his hood tugged over his head. he's at least gotten out of the deathwalkers ward this time. ]
...hey, Shale.
[ and then just: ] What the fuck.
[ vax has many what the fuck's for many situations, but this one just sounds tired. a general "what the fuck" at the past 10 hours. 24 hours. week? who knows. ]
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they wander into the medbay, taking a look around. an anxious bloom of pale pink lichen is spreading across their chest.]
That about sums it up. [...] I don't know what happened, or why. This kind of thing doesn't happen here, it isn't supposed to...be like this.
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vax watches them move for a moment, and when he speaks up, his voice's quieter - a little hesitance, to it. ]
...Did we cause it? I guess we had to have, yeah?
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These problems started when you showed up, so I have to think it's related to that. But cause and effect is a little besides the point. This isn't your fault.
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[ he's not directly blaming himself for it this time, but, shale's right, in that it's hard to avoid the guilt of it. even if it's just a little shred.
he's quiet for a little longer after that, idly toying with the raven skull pendant he'd found earlier in the week. maybe that feels too big to address, right now. too close. ]
...'s the biggest question I've got for you, I guess. [ vax glances up now, finally. ] ...What happens now?
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I... there might not be anything we can do for him. I don't know how to help him. I feel like it will only get worse.
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[ 'for all of us' ]
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he huffs a little laugh, ducking his head. ] 's good. We'd be proper fucked if you did.
[ their npcs...
the question of kazuma is a harder one, though. vax glances over at them. ] ... I don't know, either. I think... no matter what happens, no one's gonna be harder on him than he is. You know? Even that he picked execution - 's a whole other thing, but I thought he was going to do it right there, to himself. Don't think I was the only one, either.
[ it's just a reminder of the echoing bang of that gunshot, from his little trip - one that vax'ildan has not told percy, an illusion he'll hold tight to his chest. guilt and all the things that come with it are a heavy mantle, when something takes your hand and forces it in a way you'd never move. ] Don't know what we can do.
Fucking sucks, doesn't it? Feeling powerless like that. I can't even imagine how he feels.
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[still. it was horrible to see.]
You can't imagine it? [they sound skeptical.]
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it's fine though - shale's right. ]
... Never killed someone else when I was under someone else's control. Hurt someone. Several someones. [ vex, the worst of it. ] And been knocked around by my friends in the same situation, too.
[ but that never stopped the guilt of it, did it? whether they lived or not, knowing you caused every injury, even if you weren't yourself. it's the guilt he knows percy lives with too, that all of them do in one way or another. ]
...Iunno. I don't fault him for it, either. Couldn't.
[ he shifts a little, curling his fingers around the pendant in his hand again. ]
Just feels - like a couple of threads cut when they shouldn't have been.
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I'm not big on assigning blame, anyway. I don't see what's useful about it. Ryunosuke is dead, and we have to find a way to live with that.
A lot of you are struggling because there's no satisfaction in these answers, only more pain, pain some of you can relate to. But even if someone had killed him out of simply cruelty, there would still only be pain.
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[ vax folds his hands, quiet. he seems to be weighing these words over very carefully. ]
...think there's never really any satisfaction in questions of death. 's what she would say, too.
[ again, running that raven pendant between his knuckles, like it's a coin. ] It just is. I think we can't consider the what ifs, or the could haves of what happened, and... just figure it out. [ the bigger picture, anyway. this is the maturity of a vax'ildan at the end of his life, shining through.
... admittedly, ] ... Do wish I could've done rites or something for the kid. [ ryunosuke. and. honestly, for kazuma, too - with what is coming, predicted by the ominous words of execution. ] Feels - the whole thing feels incomplete.
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[the latter part of that is sort of interesting, though. hmm.]
What kind of rites would you do?
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... Least bury the body properly. It's not right just to leave it, or have it vanish - not that I think you guys have any choice, or any say, or anything, but, still. Everyone deserves death with a little dignity. Bout the only fucking thing I know how to do with any dignity, anyway.
[ and ryunosuke definitely deserves some dignity, the poor guy. vax chews the inside of his cheek, thinking. ] I guess I'd say a prayer to the Raven Queen, too, even if she can't hear me. Wish his soul luck and safe passage in its journey to wherever it might go. Can't guide it myself, but can maybe at least provide some signposts, you know?
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All of it sort of comes down to one thing, which is returning the physical back to nature, where it came from. A reminder that the bodies we have were always part of nature, and always will be. I don't think what happened to Kazuma is so different, when you think about it. Burying him in the ground would just be...some echo of a ritual that doesn't really apply here.
[they're thoughtful about what they're saying, their expression concerned. when they really stop to think, the angles of their stone face are a little sharper, gaunt and androgynous, but surprisingly young.]
The prayer, safe passage - now, that's nice. That might mean something to your goddess, I can't say. But the rest of it, the rites... I think they're really more meant as a way for people to say goodbye, don't you? People need that.
[they pause, watching vax.]
Can I ask you a favor?
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people die everywhere. it's why shale's words are comforting to him, really - the idea of bringing them back to nature soothes something in him, the perfect combination between the year he spent with the ashari, with keyleth, and the person - champion - he's come to be. this is why he sought them out, why he's continued seeking them out, because they just.. they get it, in a way that vax should get it, wants to get it, and sometimes it feels like shale puts the words down in a path for him to follow when it feels like he's lost his way.
death is not something to be pitied or mourned, it simply is. it's a lesson vax is maybe still learning - paladin of the raven queen and all. maybe it's a lesson he'd understood before being thrown back into a place where interacting with others was the norm, again, and now their lives were on the line once more. little threads of fate that feel so tangled by this prism. little threads of fate he wishes he could see.
as he's considering that, the request surprises him. vax cocks his head - his voice is soft, genuine. ] ...course, Shale. What is it?
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I think that would be a good way to give them a funeral rite.
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...I can do that.
[ ...he did't know kazuma very well, so - the others can maybe tell some stories, too. it's... a little different, but it's nice, too. an important task. ] Yeah - yeah. Sure.
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I think that will help, you know? People find it easy to tell you when they don't want to talk, but sometimes they need a little permission to start when they do.