[ these are the appropriate eyebrows for the situation
vax is here! he's on the railing, at the very edge of the roof, one leg dangling over the edge, other knee pulled up to his chest. he doesn't turn when he hears an archway, nor when he hears a familiar voice, just barely acknowledging shale's presence. ]
[ not really. though - it's a little relieving, to hear, and he does finally tilt his head enough to look back at them and their stupid worried eyebrows. ]
... I have to make sure. It - what if someone else volunteers. [ it's not angry. there's an ache to it - belaying his deep concern under all that misery. what if someone else shows up at that archway?
what if someone else gets hurt? because vax didn't catch it fast enough? because he didn't know something was wrong? because he thought maybe - just maybe, that it would be fine? because he'd laid his trust in percy, because percy had fucking earned it, and after all their time in this prism, he'd --
his eyes widen, a little, and this time, vax does finally look at them. he's pretty clearly been crying - eyes red rimmed, face red - and he just kind of stares, for a moment, and then seems to shake himself out of it, and looks away. ]
...This place got him. What you said - the colors. I get it, now.
[aww, buddy, coming to stand next to him. they can't go on the railing they will fall and die :( ]
It's still Percy, but his colors are wrong. His feelings aren't right. He's refracting, and you couldn't have stopped him by talking him out of it or whatever it is you think.
[ what if he just falls off and tries to die will he bounce back off like a cartoon character
... ]
This already happened to him, once. [ finally, he reaches up and rubs his wrist across his eyes. ] He - 's a warlock, I think. Made a contract with a demon. It took him over. Almost killed all of us.
anyway. he's quiet, a second longer, the words tangled up in his throat. ]
This. The fucking prism. [ he waves, vaguely, out at the land around them. ] At least I'm already dead.
[ and vax more than knows that that's irrational. he knows how fate works. he knows, maybe even more so, that percy would've been the prime target for this sort of hellhole. he knows.
.. but he knows even more that this is not percy's string of fate. ]
[they sound like they have a mild disagreement with this. not judgmental, just kind of a gentle 'not so sure about that one, friend.']
...It seems like you have a habit of offering your life for the people you care for. One of these days, someone's going to get mad at you for offering someone you already promised someone else.
[however.]
I would say it would be better if this had happened to nobody, while we're proposing things that didn't happen.
[ amazingly, that gets a tiny huff of a laugh out of him, though it's mostly humorless. ]
If you put her up against this place, I think she'd win.
[ and sitting here like this, vax... misses her, actually. he misses the presence of the raven queen, the contradictory warmth and chill that comes from death, the death that he knows. he could pray to her, here - has, even - but nothing would happen.
he reaches up to put his free hand over his heart, on that raven mark. ]
... yeah. [ softer. he agrees that, too. ] Maybe thats why I showed up here, after all.
[ because this place is unnatural. it breaks fates too early, it blocks out her presence and destroys things in time. it's not right. maybe it's a purpose - a reedy, terrible, unsteady purpose, but it's a purpose. ]
[ his job as her champion, really. it is at least something to talk about, though grief of memory tugs at the edge of that, too. ] Accept the beauty of life and the sanctity of death, and thus vow to rid the world of undeath and those who would disrupt the natural balance of the cycle of life.
This place is disrupting it.
[ after all, vax knows that this isn't percy's time. he's seen percy's future. ]
he reaches up, running both hands over his head and holding them, finally pushing his head down with the motion. it's jittery, stilted. ]
I don't - I don't know, Shale.
[ of course he doesn't. he doesn't know anything - doesn't have any reason why he was brought here, nothing he can cling to, no purpose for why. just another long, dark path to stumble down, fraught with disaster and despair, with the death of someone vax would call his brother that shouldn't have happened.
his i don't know is genuine in its distress. ] I don't know.
[they say it gently, though. even if they disagree, it's gentle.]
She wanted you as her champion for a reason. You're brave, and you're stubborn, and you fight tooth and nail for what you think has to happen. [...] You saved your sister's life, and you've saved others, too.
Sometimes, though, it's out of your hands. There isn't a reason, there wasn't a way for you to fix it, there isn't something you can do to stop it. Even for a Champion of the Raven Queen. Even for the Raven Queen herself. Fate is going to do what fate is going to do, regardless of your input.
Accepting that is one of the most difficult things for any of us, but especially for someone like you. Fate has always had plans for you.
[ it always comes down to that, doesn't it? fate. fate touched, she'd called him, even then.
grief is a circular staircase. sometimes it feels like vax is climbing it, like he's made it to the top - like he understands all of the bigger meanings of his life and all of its losses - but sometimes, he's just down at the bottom again, scrabbling frantically for purchase as the mire of his own thoughts threaten to suck him back in. without vex'ahlia here (and now, percy, something of a tether to the reality and the life he left behind, a promise made to protect that he failed) it feels like he's adrift.
shale's voice is so calm. he listens, to everything they're saying, and takes another deep breath, exhaling loudly as he turns back to look at them. every word resonates. ]
... Thought I knew what that plan was.
[ there's a crack to those words, a low, quiet vulnerability.
[ when he turns his head to look at them this time, the vulnerability is just blatantly open on his face. there's fear, there, for someone who is fearless. ]
...it's only ever going to be more questions, isn't it?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
vax is here! he's on the railing, at the very edge of the roof, one leg dangling over the edge, other knee pulled up to his chest. he doesn't turn when he hears an archway, nor when he hears a familiar voice, just barely acknowledging shale's presence. ]
...It has to be me. Tomorrow.
no subject
[did you think they were planning to argue with you.]
no subject
... I have to make sure. It - what if someone else volunteers. [ it's not angry. there's an ache to it - belaying his deep concern under all that misery. what if someone else shows up at that archway?
what if someone else gets hurt? because vax didn't catch it fast enough? because he didn't know something was wrong? because he thought maybe - just maybe, that it would be fine? because he'd laid his trust in percy, because percy had fucking earned it, and after all their time in this prism, he'd --
he sucks in a breath, and turns his head. ]
no subject
[but while vax is busy having all of these thoughts, shale will interrupt.]
It isn't your fault. And it isn't his, either.
no subject
his eyes widen, a little, and this time, vax does finally look at them. he's pretty clearly been crying - eyes red rimmed, face red - and he just kind of stares, for a moment, and then seems to shake himself out of it, and looks away. ]
...This place got him. What you said - the colors. I get it, now.
no subject
It's still Percy, but his colors are wrong. His feelings aren't right. He's refracting, and you couldn't have stopped him by talking him out of it or whatever it is you think.
no subject
... ]
This already happened to him, once. [ finally, he reaches up and rubs his wrist across his eyes. ] He - 's a warlock, I think. Made a contract with a demon. It took him over. Almost killed all of us.
[ take off the mask, darling.
vex'ahlia could fix this, but - no.
it's just vax. ]
It should have been me.
no subject
What should have been?
no subject
anyway. he's quiet, a second longer, the words tangled up in his throat. ]
This. The fucking prism. [ he waves, vaguely, out at the land around them. ] At least I'm already dead.
[ and vax more than knows that that's irrational. he knows how fate works. he knows, maybe even more so, that percy would've been the prime target for this sort of hellhole. he knows.
.. but he knows even more that this is not percy's string of fate. ]
no subject
[they sound like they have a mild disagreement with this. not judgmental, just kind of a gentle 'not so sure about that one, friend.']
...It seems like you have a habit of offering your life for the people you care for. One of these days, someone's going to get mad at you for offering someone you already promised someone else.
[however.]
I would say it would be better if this had happened to nobody, while we're proposing things that didn't happen.
no subject
If you put her up against this place, I think she'd win.
[ and sitting here like this, vax... misses her, actually. he misses the presence of the raven queen, the contradictory warmth and chill that comes from death, the death that he knows. he could pray to her, here - has, even - but nothing would happen.
he reaches up to put his free hand over his heart, on that raven mark. ]
... yeah. [ softer. he agrees that, too. ] Maybe thats why I showed up here, after all.
[ because this place is unnatural. it breaks fates too early, it blocks out her presence and destroys things in time. it's not right. maybe it's a purpose - a reedy, terrible, unsteady purpose, but it's a purpose. ]
no subject
[curious, prompting.]
no subject
[ his job as her champion, really. it is at least something to talk about, though grief of memory tugs at the edge of that, too. ] Accept the beauty of life and the sanctity of death, and thus vow to rid the world of undeath and those who would disrupt the natural balance of the cycle of life.
This place is disrupting it.
[ after all, vax knows that this isn't percy's time. he's seen percy's future. ]
no subject
[shale sounds skeptical of this.]
The fact that people die before the time you believe they're supposed to die doesn't sound like a disruption to me. It sounds like death.
no subject
he reaches up, running both hands over his head and holding them, finally pushing his head down with the motion. it's jittery, stilted. ]
I don't - I don't know, Shale.
[ of course he doesn't. he doesn't know anything - doesn't have any reason why he was brought here, nothing he can cling to, no purpose for why. just another long, dark path to stumble down, fraught with disaster and despair, with the death of someone vax would call his brother that shouldn't have happened.
his i don't know is genuine in its distress. ] I don't know.
no subject
[they say it gently, though. even if they disagree, it's gentle.]
She wanted you as her champion for a reason. You're brave, and you're stubborn, and you fight tooth and nail for what you think has to happen. [...] You saved your sister's life, and you've saved others, too.
Sometimes, though, it's out of your hands. There isn't a reason, there wasn't a way for you to fix it, there isn't something you can do to stop it. Even for a Champion of the Raven Queen. Even for the Raven Queen herself. Fate is going to do what fate is going to do, regardless of your input.
Accepting that is one of the most difficult things for any of us, but especially for someone like you. Fate has always had plans for you.
no subject
grief is a circular staircase. sometimes it feels like vax is climbing it, like he's made it to the top - like he understands all of the bigger meanings of his life and all of its losses - but sometimes, he's just down at the bottom again, scrabbling frantically for purchase as the mire of his own thoughts threaten to suck him back in. without vex'ahlia here (and now, percy, something of a tether to the reality and the life he left behind, a promise made to protect that he failed) it feels like he's adrift.
shale's voice is so calm. he listens, to everything they're saying, and takes another deep breath, exhaling loudly as he turns back to look at them. every word resonates. ]
... Thought I knew what that plan was.
[ there's a crack to those words, a low, quiet vulnerability.
after all of that, vax just feels lost. again. ]
no subject
[a hand pressed firm on his back. stone, but calming in a way.]
no subject
...it's only ever going to be more questions, isn't it?
no subject
[gentle still.]
Maybe someday they might start having better answers.