[he will also at least be polite enough to pull himself into a more upright position, phone settling in his lap as he takes the mug. fine. okay. it's vax. the mask can come down even if there are still some persistent shadows crawling up his neck and jaw.]
Thank you. [he doesn't take a drink yet, seemingly holding it more for the feel of warmth in his hands.] ...today was pretty rough, wasn't it?
[their yams killed their bird....roxana killed garou and left almost no traces of him behind....what a time.]
[ that's ok you can sprawl if you want, sweet rindo. vax is joining him in this shadowy state, at least right now - his wings are not quite oozing, but their colors have returned to that inky black, nearly matte, and they're sort of draped backwards, as tired as he is. one comes to curl around riff's back when he talks, though, keeping a distance but creating a little bit of a barrier between the outside world and this conversation.
some of the tension melts out of vax's shoulders, and he sighs. ]
...This whole week's been rough. [ he tilts his head, glancing down. ] You wanna talk about it?
[vax the wingies :( riff is a little concerned about that, but he doesn't seem interested in pushing him away or anything. they can vibe and huddle sadly on the couch as shadowy broody marines.
but...ah.]
...depends. Do you mean just about today, or...? [he is. hyperaware he ghosted vax on thursday.]
...I wouldn't blame you if you were. We really hurt them.
["we"?]
And I probably should've at least said something, but then everyone came back and everyone started texting me and it was just...a lot. It was a lot, and then our archways locked and we got the message this morning about Garou and Meteion and...that was a lot, too.
[ he maybe is the perfect person to understand that reaction. vaxildan "i walk away" vessar has fled many a conversation when he decided it was too much, let alone something like that. his wings shuffle a little. ]
Not every day you go through that kind of hell. And - learn new shit about yourself, while you're at it.
Yeah. [the way his voice rises just slightly is enough to indicate that he's still not, like, remotely chill with any of that but he is aggressively keeping his shit locked down in the presence of company.]
It was...a little more than I anticipated. [...bass. right. that...isn't shocking.] What'd he say?
[ yeah he can tell it's okay. vax doesn't really notice it, but the wing nudges a little bit closer. ]
... Just that you two knew each other, and you remembered. Emet said a little more than that, but even he didn't tell me much. [ which... from what little he did say, vax isn't so surprised he didn't tell him anything. ] 'm sorry, that you experienced it all like that.
It's fine. [that was a little too fast and automatic, and he seems to consider this while leaning in a little.
...is it really fair to be focused on this when a lot of other stuff's happened?]
...I don't remember a lot of it, and I'm not sure we were actually there or not, but I remember certain things that I thought I'd dreamt up. [...and.] Bass was my best friend at home, too. We were playing that game together. And...there are things...I think I remembered that he hasn't, and I don't know how to tell him. Or if I can. Or if I want to.
[is he even worried about judgment at this point? he's not sure. he's genuinely not sure how to feel about it because it's just a horrible rat's nest of emotions sort of tangled in his chest that he can't (or doesn't want to) dislodge. not while everything's happening. not while there's still a mission going on. not while they have a problem they have to control.
but...a few people already know some of this. and maybe at least verbalizing it might actually help slightly.
or at least he can say it and try to move on.]
...before coming here, I could turn back time. And I did that a couple of times, usually to help save people. But I remember the last time I did it, that was really the last time.
The city was saved, but...none of my friends made it back with me. Including Bass.
[sometimes you just have an immense amount of survivor's guilt that keeps enhancing as people die and people get hurt and people you care about are hurt because people die.]
it explains a lot. it explains a lot about riff's behaviors and the way he's hidden away, about his relationship with bass, about the way bass handled death when they talked about it, before. the wing around riff's shoulder drapes now fully like a blanket, warm and soft and comforting, feathers ruffled and gently rippling with those thin white and red strings. ]
Fuck. [ he says, at first, soft and succinct. survivor's guilt is not something vax has as much familiarity with - he is, after all, the one who dies when he's not supposed to. the one time he was truly faced with it, he immediately turned around and sacrificed his everything to save his sister.
vax is quiet for a long moment, letting the weight of that settle in. ]
'm sorry, Riff. [ softer; ] Guessing trying again'd just make it worse?
[very funny how many times i've received meta going "oh that explains a lot" when it comes to riff. but yeah. it does, maybe, explain a lot and the wing around his shoulder drapes which means riff finally scoots in closer to burrow himself against vax's side. the quiet is fine. he doesn't mind sitting in silence because it's so heavy to just drop on a person. he's mostly grateful vax isn't immediately reacting. it means he's thinking.]
...there is no trying again. Whatever I was using to help me use my powers, it got broken right before that light came and sent me back to where I was supposed to go. They'd all been erased before that...I was alone, and when I came back I was still alone.
I knew it was all of my friends, but I didn't know that Bass was one of those friends until whatever happened on Thursday happened.
[ good. something small in him relaxes, when riff lets him in just a little, scooting close like that. his wings are warm and fluffy - there's no ooze or anything, right now - and like this, they're the most like his normal ones would be as a celestial. just an extension of himself, as protective and as caring as he can be.
vax'ildan listens as he talks, heart aching, for the sound of a fate met. a brutal one, at that. ]
... So you had to save your home, and lost them as a price.
[sometimes...you would like a hug but you're too stupid to actually ask at the moment. so this is good enough. the wings are very cozy, thanks.]
As far as I know, that's right. [but...] I don't think it is. I don't have any confirmation on that, but just...from the way things are, I don't think so. We haven't really talked about remembering stuff.
[ he's getting a wing hug!!! he'll get a real hug too, honestly, one of vax's arms coming up to hook around his shoulders to match it, too. it's half out of comfort but also half to keep him from Escaping in case he tries to from this conversation - his tone is gentle, but firm, too. ]
...Riff, you're not going to want to hear this, but you have to talk to him about it.
I can't. If they don't match, I can't do that to him. If I ask, he'll want to know the same and then I'll have to tell him, and I can't do that. Not when he just lost another really important friend and after what happened to everyone who got in our heads or whatever happened there.
[ vax's frown deepens - brows furrowed, concern and - empathy, really, immediately obvious, but he doesn't let it go, coaxing gently. ]
...They might not be, you're right. He might be from before you, like Percy was for me.
...But what if it's past you? What if something happened, and it's fixed? Fate's not set in stone, Riff, it never is. It sounds like you've dealt in it plenty, too.
It's a risk you'd have to take. You can assume the worst, and hope for the best, but you'll never know unless you try.
[it's probably a good thing it isn't emotion sharing anymore because the emotions are a very loud, blatant "NO." on the other hand, there are shadows still crawling up everywhere, darker almost like his original form.
there's a slight, uneven breath like he's trying to keep it together and continue being rational instead of emotional at the moment.]
I've changed fate a lot. Or at least that's what that guy made it sound like. Like every time I turned back time, it just made the future worse. How am I supposed to fix this if it's not past me? I can't give him that hope that I could change something.
[logically, yes, vax is incredibly right. emotionally, he's busy panicking and doesn't seem to have the mental capacity to focus and be mature about this for a minute.]
That's why...it's better to stay here. For both of us.
okay. the arm around his shoulder squeezes, tight. he recognizes those reactions - it doesn't have to be emotion share for him to understand the shaky feeling of anxiety and panic, because he knows them intimately. ]
Riff. [ gentler, this time - his rough voice full of that same worry, of that same ache. of empathy, really, watching the consequences of the decisions you've made. he's not reacting or freaking out, not yelling or anything, just -
worried. just watching this and hearing the weight of the world on riff's shoulders is hard. ] Slow down. Take a breath with me, yeah?
[maybe it would have been better, actually, if riff said anything to anyone prior to this, though he thinks about the arguments he's had with someone. about needing to remember. about needing to go home. but it doesn't matter. what the fuck is the point of going home when the people you want to be with aren't going to be there with you? maybe vax is right and bass remembers something else. but...how would he even know? how would they even know the timeline of events when they're both still missing so many memories?
but remembering memories...hurts. it hurts, a continual knife in the door, wiggling it loose until all of the terrible things come spilling in.
'I thought maybe it was just a dream and then you guys came back and now it's way more obvious it's stuff that actually happened. So why do the memories keep getting worse?'
'Because it sounds like you've had a lot of bad shit happen to you.'
'Maybe.'
'I don't think it's just a 'maybe' kiddo'
it's. like. it's not fair? this isn't even about being fair, but it sort of is in a way. everything was fine before the refraction started and memories started coming back and sticking all four of them in an in-between situation. everything was fine before people started killing, started dying, started hurting in ways that can't be fixed so immediately. everything was fine when he forgot things.
so why can't he just go back to forgetting?
vax says to slow down and breathe and unfortunately that's not exactly an option given the way his breathing sort of hitches into a quiet hiccup before he moves to try and dig both of his hands into his eyes to stop whatever tears are trying to escape.]
I can't... [it's not clear what he can't do, but give him a second to try and regroup. sorry vax. this may not be the first time someone has told him to talk to the others about their memories, but this is...a pretty raw subject, at the moment.]
[ that's fine - it's not, really, it's not fine, because it fucking sucks to see riff just break down like this, breaks his heart into a thousand pieces, but he can break down. it's safe, here, in his own apartment, and - hopefully, with vax, too.
his other wing comes up like a barrier, blocking out the outside for a moment, and he just grabs rindo and pulls him in. this time, it's for a hug, full on, fierce and loving and safe. solid. he just wraps him up and takes a big, deep breath, steady, in, and out, in, and out.
he knows how close riff was to meteion. he knows, how much that memory and that guilt must be weighing on him. vax knows because he's been there, walked that exact same path, held those exact same sadnesses, but he always leaked them free at the seams. it makes it easier for him to know when someone else is trying to bottle it all away: you can't always just hide from those feelings. god knows he used to try. ]
[it's not fine! it's really not, especially when he's in his own house and this isn't what he meant to do especially when vax has a very valid point, but also. sometimes you are still fifteen years old and you are once again made aware of how much you actually don't have control over.
on the one hand, he doesn't resist the movement for once, planting himself into vax and trying to figure out what to do with his hands to make himself stop crying or return the hug or do something. it's a little hard to follow the pattern at first, disjointed breaths in and not enough out.
it was a lot easier when he had something else to focus on and he could ignore everything to think about his own stupid memories later. bottling wasn't even always on purpose, really, just something he did when other people were hurting and when he didn't want to rock the boat and make things uneasy. but here, he doesn't get much of a choice.
it takes a little bit to regain his footing, even if he's well-aware he's crying and now would like to descend straight to hell as to not be perceived, but his breathing evens out into the same pattern vax is giving him. he also doesn't bother to move for a second.]
This...wasn't meant to happen.
[it's quiet, but at least it's a little steadier.]
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Thank you. [he doesn't take a drink yet, seemingly holding it more for the feel of warmth in his hands.] ...today was pretty rough, wasn't it?
[their yams killed their bird....roxana killed garou and left almost no traces of him behind....what a time.]
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some of the tension melts out of vax's shoulders, and he sighs. ]
...This whole week's been rough. [ he tilts his head, glancing down. ] You wanna talk about it?
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but...ah.]
...depends. Do you mean just about today, or...? [he is. hyperaware he ghosted vax on thursday.]
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[ ... ]
'm not mad, you know.
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["we"?]
And I probably should've at least said something, but then everyone came back and everyone started texting me and it was just...a lot. It was a lot, and then our archways locked and we got the message this morning about Garou and Meteion and...that was a lot, too.
[it was incredibly overwhelming and he bailed.]
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[ he maybe is the perfect person to understand that reaction. vaxildan "i walk away" vessar has fled many a conversation when he decided it was too much, let alone something like that. his wings shuffle a little. ]
Not every day you go through that kind of hell. And - learn new shit about yourself, while you're at it.
...Bass told me a little.
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It was...a little more than I anticipated. [...bass. right. that...isn't shocking.] What'd he say?
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... Just that you two knew each other, and you remembered. Emet said a little more than that, but even he didn't tell me much. [ which... from what little he did say, vax isn't so surprised he didn't tell him anything. ] 'm sorry, that you experienced it all like that.
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...is it really fair to be focused on this when a lot of other stuff's happened?]
...I don't remember a lot of it, and I'm not sure we were actually there or not, but I remember certain things that I thought I'd dreamt up. [...and.] Bass was my best friend at home, too. We were playing that game together. And...there are things...I think I remembered that he hasn't, and I don't know how to tell him. Or if I can. Or if I want to.
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...maybe he can help riff and bass.
so he waits, past the automatic "i'm fine". waits, to see if riff will open up any further, and when he does, listens. ]
... Y'wanna try and tell me, first? [ it's a quiet suggestion. ] Last person in the world to judge you for it. At least get it off your chest.
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but...a few people already know some of this. and maybe at least verbalizing it might actually help slightly.
or at least he can say it and try to move on.]
...before coming here, I could turn back time. And I did that a couple of times, usually to help save people. But I remember the last time I did it, that was really the last time.
The city was saved, but...none of my friends made it back with me. Including Bass.
[sometimes you just have an immense amount of survivor's guilt that keeps enhancing as people die and people get hurt and people you care about are hurt because people die.]
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it explains a lot. it explains a lot about riff's behaviors and the way he's hidden away, about his relationship with bass, about the way bass handled death when they talked about it, before. the wing around riff's shoulder drapes now fully like a blanket, warm and soft and comforting, feathers ruffled and gently rippling with those thin white and red strings. ]
Fuck. [ he says, at first, soft and succinct. survivor's guilt is not something vax has as much familiarity with - he is, after all, the one who dies when he's not supposed to. the one time he was truly faced with it, he immediately turned around and sacrificed his everything to save his sister.
vax is quiet for a long moment, letting the weight of that settle in. ]
'm sorry, Riff. [ softer; ] Guessing trying again'd just make it worse?
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...there is no trying again. Whatever I was using to help me use my powers, it got broken right before that light came and sent me back to where I was supposed to go. They'd all been erased before that...I was alone, and when I came back I was still alone.
I knew it was all of my friends, but I didn't know that Bass was one of those friends until whatever happened on Thursday happened.
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vax'ildan listens as he talks, heart aching, for the sound of a fate met. a brutal one, at that. ]
... So you had to save your home, and lost them as a price.
[ that's heartbreaking. ]
Is that the last thing Bass remembers, too?
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As far as I know, that's right. [but...] I don't think it is. I don't have any confirmation on that, but just...from the way things are, I don't think so. We haven't really talked about remembering stuff.
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...Riff, you're not going to want to hear this, but you have to talk to him about it.
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...what, and tell him I did something to erase him and there's no chance of him coming back?
[yes, that would absolutely go well.]
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[ immediately - because yeah, he'd run from that conversation too. ]
You - Percy and I aren't from anywhere near each other. It's been years since the last thing he remembers compared to what I do.
Everything here is a fucking mess. At least try and find out the last thing he remembers - it might surprise you.
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I can't. If they don't match, I can't do that to him. If I ask, he'll want to know the same and then I'll have to tell him, and I can't do that. Not when he just lost another really important friend and after what happened to everyone who got in our heads or whatever happened there.
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...They might not be, you're right. He might be from before you, like Percy was for me.
...But what if it's past you? What if something happened, and it's fixed? Fate's not set in stone, Riff, it never is. It sounds like you've dealt in it plenty, too.
It's a risk you'd have to take. You can assume the worst, and hope for the best, but you'll never know unless you try.
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there's a slight, uneven breath like he's trying to keep it together and continue being rational instead of emotional at the moment.]
I've changed fate a lot. Or at least that's what that guy made it sound like. Like every time I turned back time, it just made the future worse. How am I supposed to fix this if it's not past me? I can't give him that hope that I could change something.
[logically, yes, vax is incredibly right. emotionally, he's busy panicking and doesn't seem to have the mental capacity to focus and be mature about this for a minute.]
That's why...it's better to stay here. For both of us.
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okay. the arm around his shoulder squeezes, tight. he recognizes those reactions - it doesn't have to be emotion share for him to understand the shaky feeling of anxiety and panic, because he knows them intimately. ]
Riff. [ gentler, this time - his rough voice full of that same worry, of that same ache. of empathy, really, watching the consequences of the decisions you've made. he's not reacting or freaking out, not yelling or anything, just -
worried. just watching this and hearing the weight of the world on riff's shoulders is hard. ] Slow down. Take a breath with me, yeah?
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but remembering memories...hurts. it hurts, a continual knife in the door, wiggling it loose until all of the terrible things come spilling in.
'I thought maybe it was just a dream and then you guys came back and now it's way more obvious it's stuff that actually happened. So why do the memories keep getting worse?'
'Because it sounds like you've had a lot of bad shit happen to you.'
'Maybe.'
'I don't think it's just a 'maybe' kiddo'
it's. like. it's not fair? this isn't even about being fair, but it sort of is in a way. everything was fine before the refraction started and memories started coming back and sticking all four of them in an in-between situation. everything was fine before people started killing, started dying, started hurting in ways that can't be fixed so immediately. everything was fine when he forgot things.
so why can't he just go back to forgetting?
vax says to slow down and breathe and unfortunately that's not exactly an option given the way his breathing sort of hitches into a quiet hiccup before he moves to try and dig both of his hands into his eyes to stop whatever tears are trying to escape.]
I can't... [it's not clear what he can't do, but give him a second to try and regroup. sorry vax. this may not be the first time someone has told him to talk to the others about their memories, but this is...a pretty raw subject, at the moment.]
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his other wing comes up like a barrier, blocking out the outside for a moment, and he just grabs rindo and pulls him in. this time, it's for a hug, full on, fierce and loving and safe. solid. he just wraps him up and takes a big, deep breath, steady, in, and out, in, and out.
he knows how close riff was to meteion. he knows, how much that memory and that guilt must be weighing on him. vax knows because he's been there, walked that exact same path, held those exact same sadnesses, but he always leaked them free at the seams. it makes it easier for him to know when someone else is trying to bottle it all away: you can't always just hide from those feelings. god knows he used to try. ]
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on the one hand, he doesn't resist the movement for once, planting himself into vax and trying to figure out what to do with his hands to make himself stop crying or return the hug or do something. it's a little hard to follow the pattern at first, disjointed breaths in and not enough out.
it was a lot easier when he had something else to focus on and he could ignore everything to think about his own stupid memories later. bottling wasn't even always on purpose, really, just something he did when other people were hurting and when he didn't want to rock the boat and make things uneasy. but here, he doesn't get much of a choice.
it takes a little bit to regain his footing, even if he's well-aware he's crying and now would like to descend straight to hell as to not be perceived, but his breathing evens out into the same pattern vax is giving him. he also doesn't bother to move for a second.]
This...wasn't meant to happen.
[it's quiet, but at least it's a little steadier.]
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