...yeah. [ he'll take it, and flash him a small, tired smile. for a moment, vax just looks at it, quietly reflective, brows knit together. there's a tickle somewhere in the back of his throat, but he's never really been reticent about his emotions, so. ]
...Been a long week. [ a long, shitty week. ] ...I should've come to check in on you, earlier. 'm sorry.
[ cad is so good. he taps his hands against the side of the cup for a moment, thoughtful. ]
....'m okay. [ no petals, though he does look a little uncomfortable for a moment. ] Worried about 'meric and Bass, but.
[ there's another pause. thoughtful. ]
...Knowing the others're - around makes it harder to be upset, really. You know? Death is... death's weird, here. We've known that, but it's especially weird right now.
That's exactly why I wasn't sure it was a good idea for you all to know that. Thinking about thing like they're still alive, like we can save them isn't a healthy way to -
But the cat's out of the bag now, and you're right, it is different. Maybe it's not as hopeless as I thought.
after a moment, he tilts his head, looking down at his cup. this is something he has a unique view on, maybe - maybe one that he hasn't really shared with anyone else, quite yet. it's hard to, in the face of optimism, in the warmth and hope in the faces of the other living who remain - but, it feels safe to tell shale. ]
...I don't know if I'm really thinking about it that way. Realistically - [ realistically, that's hard to do. ] Felt like the souls here'd more likely just be...trapped. You know what I mean? Can't move on. Can't - they're just stuck.
Whether we can bring them back or not, that part, iunno. But. I do know that their souls deserve a chance to move on as much as anyone else's. [ that's something the raven queen would agree with, too. this place, vax has been saying, does death wrong.
but he gives cad a little bit of a smile. ] Maybe not. You're a cleric. Bet you've pulled a revivify or two out of your ass, even if you don't remember it.
[yeah, that point of view makes a little sense to him, even if it's complicated. he smiles, sighs a bit in what would seem to be relief.]
That's...a good way of thinking of it, I think. I do care about a lot of the people over there quite a bit. I don't want them stuck someplace like that forever.
[he drums his fingers against the table.]
As for that...yes, and I've been on the receiving end of it, too. But it's different to me when it's someone who just went down then and there. That's just...medicine. Bringing someone back who's been gone for longer...you and I both know that it can be done. Should is a trickier question. Both mine and yours I think hold similar views on it. Sometimes, maybe, if the need arises and it's important, but - caring about them, usually that's not enough.
[ the relief gets a slight twitch of a smile. this is their area, isn't it? a little place of crossover, of familiarity. ]
Mmhm.
[ vax agrees, taking a sip of his tea. the longer revivals are... messy. complicated. the raven queen deals in that specifically - people who avoid death, who pervert the very nature of it. but...
... they had to wait, to get percy. it took a couple days - two long days, before they were able to do anything. two days of misery, of their travels back from glintshore, of vex'ahlia trying to stay strong and breaking down in private by vax'ildan's side. that was only two days. longer feels... ]
Never always a guarantee that what you bring back's the same as what you left, either. [ death changes someone - vax knows it intimately. ]
...But, she told me something like that, once. [ its a memory of an old conversation - standing in the palm of a great goddesses hand, blood soaked and full of questions that got answers that just led to more - but one now he holds close to his chest. vax closes his eyes for a moment, remembering the skeins of the threads, the mask, and reciting. ] "Some destinies require enduring beyond a final moment, and to meet the moment many times, before a final death is to come. Bending destiny is in our influence, but to pervert it is an atrocity."
So I guess it just comes down to that. With whatever's happened here - is it a bending of destiny, or is it how things are supposed to be?
[which is why he does not go around talking about that particular power, or offering it, but he does know it exists.]
...I couldn't do it here. At least, not the way I could back home. So maybe none of this is relevant.
The way I see it, I'm not the one who makes the call about what is or isn't destiny. I try to do what I can do in the moment, what feels right and just and healthy, and destiny will do what it sees fit regardless of my input.
But there have certainly been times when the definition of what is right and just and healthy is...murky to me, and I wonder. [...] But I also think - perhaps the path I feel I must walk is so narrow precisely because I know I have been given a higher power and higher responsibilities than most people will ever know. And so have you.
And yet, here, neither of those higher responsibilities appear to confer much power or ability. I can't raise the dead here any more than you can. So maybe I have more flexibility to...try things, knowing I'm not abusing a power that is rarely granted.
[ shale's got him dead on - the idea of a narrow path, of high responsibilities. but, the raven queen in the time that vax has known her has always been flexible. his path had an end destination, but how quickly or slowly he chose to walk it, or what direction he chose to get there, was always up to him. it was comforting, made the idea of having such a destiny a tiny, tiny bit less terrifying.
so, vax gets it. he listens, attentive, quiet, nodding along when shale points out their similarities... and their lack of it, here. he - laughs, just a little, a huff as he drops his head. ]
...'s kinda freeing, isn't it? And kind of fucking terrifying, at the same time.
[ aw. if shale's hand is close enough, he reaches out to cover it with his own, briefly, letting out a little huff. ]
...Feel like talking about the Crystallines wanting to control everything was years ago, at this point.
[ but - especially with those purple petals, he squeezes a little. it's a place where they're different - vax would rather have a little control over it, but only a little - but all the same, he gets the sense of abject fear. ] Always fucking terrifying, but it's a little less scary to do when you've got a bunch of good people at your back.
[ the smile on his face is small and genuine - his tone, too. it's a mixture of emotions, but empathy and compassion come to the forefront, maybe just a little hesitant, in the way where he doesn't feel nearly so confident giving out help and advice and support with his words, and tends to ramble his way through it. ]
Yes. And I do feel that there are a lot of good people here. [he laughs a little, fond, but will let him take the hand.]
I think...my choice, my control in this, comes down to whether I try to prevent all of you from doing what you choose to do. I don't...feel I have control beyond that. That's frightening, and a relief.
[a big huff of breath, and then he coughs some purple petals again.]
It's complicated for me. I have things I might want, but I don't feel that I have the right to make the decision for others. If it turns out Bass, Riff, and Steel want to keep this place stable and safe then I'm...going to pick that over what you all want to do.
But I don't feel particularly confident in that course of action.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
week 6; saturday
...Come on in, Vax.
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[ here's vax! he's subdued and quiet this evening, but, that's not so unusual after a long, shitty trial day.
... he just comes over, shoulders hunched, hands shoved into his pockets, and then drops into a chair. ]
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I'm glad you came by.
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...Been a long week. [ a long, shitty week. ] ...I should've come to check in on you, earlier. 'm sorry.
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[it really doesn't seem to trouble him, no coughing.]
Things are busy here. A lot happens. How are you holding up?
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....'m okay. [ no petals, though he does look a little uncomfortable for a moment. ] Worried about 'meric and Bass, but.
[ there's another pause. thoughtful. ]
...Knowing the others're - around makes it harder to be upset, really. You know? Death is... death's weird, here. We've known that, but it's especially weird right now.
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That's exactly why I wasn't sure it was a good idea for you all to know that. Thinking about thing like they're still alive, like we can save them isn't a healthy way to -
But the cat's out of the bag now, and you're right, it is different. Maybe it's not as hopeless as I thought.
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after a moment, he tilts his head, looking down at his cup. this is something he has a unique view on, maybe - maybe one that he hasn't really shared with anyone else, quite yet. it's hard to, in the face of optimism, in the warmth and hope in the faces of the other living who remain - but, it feels safe to tell shale. ]
...I don't know if I'm really thinking about it that way. Realistically - [ realistically, that's hard to do. ] Felt like the souls here'd more likely just be...trapped. You know what I mean? Can't move on. Can't - they're just stuck.
Whether we can bring them back or not, that part, iunno. But. I do know that their souls deserve a chance to move on as much as anyone else's. [ that's something the raven queen would agree with, too. this place, vax has been saying, does death wrong.
but he gives cad a little bit of a smile. ] Maybe not. You're a cleric. Bet you've pulled a revivify or two out of your ass, even if you don't remember it.
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That's...a good way of thinking of it, I think. I do care about a lot of the people over there quite a bit. I don't want them stuck someplace like that forever.
[he drums his fingers against the table.]
As for that...yes, and I've been on the receiving end of it, too. But it's different to me when it's someone who just went down then and there. That's just...medicine. Bringing someone back who's been gone for longer...you and I both know that it can be done. Should is a trickier question. Both mine and yours I think hold similar views on it. Sometimes, maybe, if the need arises and it's important, but - caring about them, usually that's not enough.
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Mmhm.
[ vax agrees, taking a sip of his tea. the longer revivals are... messy. complicated. the raven queen deals in that specifically - people who avoid death, who pervert the very nature of it. but...
... they had to wait, to get percy. it took a couple days - two long days, before they were able to do anything. two days of misery, of their travels back from glintshore, of vex'ahlia trying to stay strong and breaking down in private by vax'ildan's side. that was only two days. longer feels... ]
Never always a guarantee that what you bring back's the same as what you left, either. [ death changes someone - vax knows it intimately. ]
...But, she told me something like that, once. [ its a memory of an old conversation - standing in the palm of a great goddesses hand, blood soaked and full of questions that got answers that just led to more - but one now he holds close to his chest. vax closes his eyes for a moment, remembering the skeins of the threads, the mask, and reciting. ] "Some destinies require enduring beyond a final moment, and to meet the moment many times, before a final death is to come. Bending destiny is in our influence, but to pervert it is an atrocity."
So I guess it just comes down to that. With whatever's happened here - is it a bending of destiny, or is it how things are supposed to be?
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[which is why he does not go around talking about that particular power, or offering it, but he does know it exists.]
...I couldn't do it here. At least, not the way I could back home. So maybe none of this is relevant.
The way I see it, I'm not the one who makes the call about what is or isn't destiny. I try to do what I can do in the moment, what feels right and just and healthy, and destiny will do what it sees fit regardless of my input.
But there have certainly been times when the definition of what is right and just and healthy is...murky to me, and I wonder. [...] But I also think - perhaps the path I feel I must walk is so narrow precisely because I know I have been given a higher power and higher responsibilities than most people will ever know. And so have you.
And yet, here, neither of those higher responsibilities appear to confer much power or ability. I can't raise the dead here any more than you can. So maybe I have more flexibility to...try things, knowing I'm not abusing a power that is rarely granted.
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so, vax gets it. he listens, attentive, quiet, nodding along when shale points out their similarities... and their lack of it, here. he - laughs, just a little, a huff as he drops his head. ]
...'s kinda freeing, isn't it? And kind of fucking terrifying, at the same time.
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[...and he will cough up a few purple petals.]
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...Feel like talking about the Crystallines wanting to control everything was years ago, at this point.
[ but - especially with those purple petals, he squeezes a little. it's a place where they're different - vax would rather have a little control over it, but only a little - but all the same, he gets the sense of abject fear. ] Always fucking terrifying, but it's a little less scary to do when you've got a bunch of good people at your back.
[ the smile on his face is small and genuine - his tone, too. it's a mixture of emotions, but empathy and compassion come to the forefront, maybe just a little hesitant, in the way where he doesn't feel nearly so confident giving out help and advice and support with his words, and tends to ramble his way through it. ]
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I think...my choice, my control in this, comes down to whether I try to prevent all of you from doing what you choose to do. I don't...feel I have control beyond that. That's frightening, and a relief.
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[ for riff and bass, for steel, and for shale. being able to come to the decision to make choices on your own.
he pats his hand a little, squeezing. ]
...So what're you thinking, Shale? Have you decided what you want to do?
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[a big huff of breath, and then he coughs some purple petals again.]
It's complicated for me. I have things I might want, but I don't feel that I have the right to make the decision for others. If it turns out Bass, Riff, and Steel want to keep this place stable and safe then I'm...going to pick that over what you all want to do.
But I don't feel particularly confident in that course of action.
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Makes sense. [ he doesn't seem offended by it. ] Really leaning into that support role, huh?
[ that's a little teasing, at least. ] Have you talked to the three of them about it?
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